The last few years have been rough and I've spent a lot of my time extremely confused. As I struggled with changes in my my own life and the lives of close friends I kept trying to find my place. What was I supposed to be doing? Where did I fit into the picture? And I kept coming up empty handed. More than that, I felt like I kept getting kicked in the stomach. I would try to step outside the familiar and I would get a door slammed in my face, I would reach out and try to love on someone and find myself rejected. I felt like I was getting beat up again and again and again. I felt unneeded and even more painful, unwanted.
The spring of 2013 I thought I had finally found my niche, at least for a little while. I was going to spend my summer serving at an orphanage in Mexico. It seemed perfect, a chance to distance myself a little from the familiar, try something new, get away from the distractions of home. For once, all the lights seemed green. I was so excited and hopeful. Then the hardest kick yet came just a week before I was to leave. My application had been rejected. No explanation. Never had I felt more unneeded or unwanted...or worthless...even people that didn't know me didn't want me. So the truth is, I gave up at that point. I was tired of trying, tired of getting hurt. I was going to stick with what was safe and what I knew. I had a job I liked, a best friend, and plenty of family. I didn't need anything else. I could go to work, come home at night and lose myself in a book, and once every week or two when I felt the need for social contact, I could have a conversation. Simple. No excitement, no risk, no pain.
But God never ceases to surprise me. And that moment has arrived when, despite my apathy and selfishness and laziness, He takes my hand and says, "Now is the time."
Earlier this week, I received confirmation from the very same mission organization that turned me down last summer. I have been accepted for the coming school year. In September I will pack up my truck, drive for 3 days, and arrive at my new home.
To be honest, I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around this. There's so much I need to get done in the next two months. But I'm so excited to see what God is going to teach me, how He is going to provide for me, how He is going to increase my faith through this adventure. This week He's been teaching me about moving on. I'm really really great at living in the past. I've listened to this song probably 100 times at least in the last two weeks. I'm so grateful that God doesn't give up on me as easily as I give up on myself!
Oh I know I'm gonna rise again
Set my sights on where I’m going
And my goodbyes to where I've been
Oh I know I’m gonna rise again
Singing farewell king of the broken
So long my friend
