Understanding Grace

There’s a difference between intellectually knowing something and really understanding the truth of it. I know that the earth is round because people I trust and that know better than me have taught me this my whole life. I know it in my head but it doesn’t really make a difference in the way I live. The same is true with truths about God. I know God loves me, I know He has a good plan for my life; I know He understands my pain and my fears and the things I struggle with. I’ve known these things my whole life, I’ve taught them to others. But every once in a while there comes a great moment when intellectual knowledge suddenly takes hold in your heart and you really KNOW. And the beauty of that moment is that suddenly these truths make a difference in how you live because in the very depth of who you are, you KNOW they are true.

But sometimes the truths you realize are not quite so pleasant. Scripture clearly teaches that we as humans are wicked and there is nothing good in us and we deserve eternity in hell. And I’ve always believed this…or thought I did. Deep down I guess I always thought I wasn’t really that bad, you know, compared to the REALLY messed up people out there. I’m doing okay. God ripped that pride away from me this week. And in a single moment I realized that I am more depraved than I ever thought possible. I really do deserve eternity in hell and I KNOW IT to the very core of who I am.

I always thought I had a grasp on the concept of grace, that I understood what it was all about. But until I grasped my own unworthiness I couldn’t even begin to understand grace, because grace is meaningless if deep down you don’t really think you need it. But when you realize how desperately helpless you are on your own, grace becomes everything. I really wish I had realized sooner what a huge misconception I had. I wish I had seen the Pharisee in myself before now. Perhaps I would have made fewer mistakes along the way. But I’m so grateful that God is still teaching me, in spite of myself and in spite of the bad decisions I have made and will probably continue to make in my life. God loves me, God forgives me, and God is making something beautiful out of my life. I don’t deserve it, but it’s true and knowing that will make a difference in how I live my life every day.

Now What?

On December 13th, 2011, I boarded a plane in North Carolina and 10 hours and 2 stops later I arrived in Portland. I had been gone for almost a month and honestly, I was not overly excited to be home. I liked North Carolina, but more than that I just liked being away. I had been very restless for several months and I loved the change of scenery and the separation from my life as I had always known it. I spent my last week in North Carolina praying a lot about what to do when I got home and God gave me some very specific instructions. I came home with a list of goals (some very measurable, some more abstract), a time frame of 6 months, and confidence that God was going to take me somewhere new when those 6 months were up and the goals were accomplished.

I have diligently worked toward those goals. Every time I completed one I took a big, black, permanent marker and crossed it off the list and then I texted my best friend who faithfully cheered me on and promised me a dinner out in celebration.

And now here I am:

    My 6 months are up.

    My goals (as much as they depended on me) have been completed.

    The celebratory dinner was thoroughly enjoyed.

Now I sit here terrified, because God has not given me even the smallest hint as to what the future holds. And I’m overwhelmed by doubt and fear and insecurity. What if this is it? What if this is what my life holds for the next 20 years? The next 50?

Years ago I made a list of truths to read when I got discouraged or when Satan was screaming his lies in my ear and I was having trouble focusing on the voice of God. Because truth is truth even when it doesn’t feel like it. God loves me even when it doesn’t feel like it. He’s there even when it doesn’t feel like it and He has a plan even when I can’t see it. The simple act of repeating truth has been a lifesaver for me many times. So tonight, as I go to sleep, here are a few of the truths that I will be focusing on as I combat the fear in my heart.

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you

will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.

Psalm 37:4-5

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:13-14

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You,

because He trusts in You.

Isaiah 26:3

A Little Bit About Me...

It seems to me, since I’m putting myself out there for anyone and everyone to see, a good place to start would be to tell you a little about myself. You know, just a few basics. So here goes…

I love focusing on others – how they’ve wronged me, how they’ve hurt me, how they never talk to me anymore, how they don’t really appreciate or value my friendship…

I throw the BEST parties – rarely a day goes by that I don’t throw one in fact, and let me tell you, my pity parties often go on for weeks!

I love building others up – so and so is the BIGGEST jerk, he is the most arrogant person, she has more issues than anyone else I know…

Okay, are you starting to get the point?

In short, I am human. I have a sin nature. I am utterly depraved and there is nothing good in me. I am selfish, lazy, prideful, and judgmental. I struggle with jealousy and depression on a daily basis. I hate sharing. I hate not being in control of everything and everyone around me. I say mean and unloving things to people I love. I think thoughts that are millions of times worse than the horrific things that come out of my mouth. I have hurt those closest to me more times than I care to remember.

I am desperately wicked.

But there’s one more thing you have to know about me.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”  II Corinthians 5:17

I am that new creation. I am a child of the King and because of that I have hope. I have hope that I can day by day and moment by moment choose to not be that selfish, lazy, prideful person. I have hope because I know God is at work in me, slowly weeding out all the filth that has built up in my life. I have hope because He promises to finish what He started in my life.

Is it a struggle? YES!!! Are there things that I don’t want to let Him get rid of? YES!!!  Are there days I fail? Most definitely YES!!! Is it a painful process? Some days it’s excruciating! Is it worth it? YES!!! Little by little I am becoming the woman God created me to be and that is definitely worth it!

The First Step...

I love to write. I always have. It’s how I process thoughts and experiences. Writing things out and rereading them is one of the best ways for me to get to know myself. And when I begin to understand myself then I can begin to change who I am and line it up with who God wants me to be. Now, whether I am a good writer or not is a whole seperate question. The simple answer is no, but God has given me a love of communicating and I think somewhere in all the chaos that fills my mind there are actually a few intelligent, deep thoughts and if every once in a while I can capture one of those thoughts and type it out in a way that will encourage others than I believe I have a responsibility to do that.

I make no promises that I will fill these pages with wisdom or helpful advice. What I will fill them with is the amazing story of God at work in me. I believe that He has plans for me that I cannot even begin to guess at and unfathomable ways that He wants His glory to be shown in my life. This page is about Him, not me. And I hope as you read about my experiences and the lessons I am learning that it will encourage you in your walk and His story in your life will become more epic every day.

I know what you’re thinking. Okay, so it’s not about you yet you title this blog Anne’s Epic Journey. Isn’t that kind of self focused? That’s a fair question. But think about the word epic. To be part of something epic is to be part of something bigger than yourself. It’s a journey that will change the course of history. And that’s the point. It’s God’s story. It doesn’t get more epic than that. And yet He wants me to be one of the players in His story. I can’t see the whole picture; I can only see my little part in it. So that’s it: my journey in the most epic of all epic stories.