Now What?

On December 13th, 2011, I boarded a plane in North Carolina and 10 hours and 2 stops later I arrived in Portland. I had been gone for almost a month and honestly, I was not overly excited to be home. I liked North Carolina, but more than that I just liked being away. I had been very restless for several months and I loved the change of scenery and the separation from my life as I had always known it. I spent my last week in North Carolina praying a lot about what to do when I got home and God gave me some very specific instructions. I came home with a list of goals (some very measurable, some more abstract), a time frame of 6 months, and confidence that God was going to take me somewhere new when those 6 months were up and the goals were accomplished.

I have diligently worked toward those goals. Every time I completed one I took a big, black, permanent marker and crossed it off the list and then I texted my best friend who faithfully cheered me on and promised me a dinner out in celebration.

And now here I am:

    My 6 months are up.

    My goals (as much as they depended on me) have been completed.

    The celebratory dinner was thoroughly enjoyed.

Now I sit here terrified, because God has not given me even the smallest hint as to what the future holds. And I’m overwhelmed by doubt and fear and insecurity. What if this is it? What if this is what my life holds for the next 20 years? The next 50?

Years ago I made a list of truths to read when I got discouraged or when Satan was screaming his lies in my ear and I was having trouble focusing on the voice of God. Because truth is truth even when it doesn’t feel like it. God loves me even when it doesn’t feel like it. He’s there even when it doesn’t feel like it and He has a plan even when I can’t see it. The simple act of repeating truth has been a lifesaver for me many times. So tonight, as I go to sleep, here are a few of the truths that I will be focusing on as I combat the fear in my heart.

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you

will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.

Psalm 37:4-5

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:13-14

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You,

because He trusts in You.

Isaiah 26:3